Puritan Gems

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Modern Church Lexicon

I have been building this list slowly for a few weeks now. Feel free to add more...

Christmas – A holiday that is so important to families that, if it falls on Sunday, we should cancel church services.

Church – A community of people whose sole purpose to meet each others felt needs.

Communion – A meal that you can take by yourself that heals you.

Doctrine – An unimportant part of Christianity that should be avoided because it causes division and denominations.

Evangelism – Methods that are used to get people to an altar to repeat a prayer. Success depends on finding out what unchurched sinners really want in a church.

Faith – Something that man obtains by his own virtuous resources. If you have enough of it, you can make God do anything.

God – A powerful Being who loves everyone just the way they are, and has a wonderful plan for their life. He was mean and wrathful in the Old Testament, but got wiser and mellowed after His Son was killed.

Guilt – A harmful feeling that people need to overcome. The church should help.

Holy Spirit – Something that you should try to get after you get saved. Some denominations are totally filled with it, while others only have a little bit.

Jesus – A Divine person (or mode) that died in order to show us the way of salvation. Through his death, we can have better relationships, better sex, more money, and an all around better self image.

Legalism – Any Commandment in the Bible that we don’t want to obey.

Man – All important being who was created so that God would no longer be lonely.

Money – The root of all evil. Send it all to a televangelist before it destroys you.

Pharisees – Jesus chastised them because they obeyed the Law.

Prayer – Placing a demand on one’s heart so that God is obliged to meet it.

Preaching – An optional part of worship that sometimes gets in the way of what the Holy Spirit really wants to do.

Sin – A bad habit that is caused by past hurts, poor emotional health, and low self-esteem. Behavior modification methods and therapy can help.

Worship – Something we do in church that helps us draw close to God. Choose the style that best suits you.


Bryan said...

Foreknowledge - The divine act of looking ahead to see what God's creation will do, to give God advice on how to run His own universe

Predestination - The divine act of taking creation's advice

Puritan Lad said...

LOL!!! :)

August said...

Calvinism - the satanic doctrine that portrays God as a mean vindictive being, and believers as robots.

daniel said...

i feel bad for you august. you have a misunderstanding of what calvinism is.

great job Puritan Lad! thats a great just sad that people actually think that way.

Puritan Lad said...


August is a diehard 5-point Calvinist himself. He's just adding to my list.

Keep them ocming. When people who actually think this way see it worded in sarcasm like this, perhaps they'll see how ridiculous it really is.

One more...

The Law - The way people were saved in the Old Testament before Christ came to make a better way.

daniel said...

o wow lol. im slow

Puritan said...

Brilliant. Here's a few more:

The Devil- A big meanie who keeps preventing God from lavishing his love on everyone.

Binding Satan- What thousands of professing Christians do every second of the day. Yet with so many always putting him in chains, it's a wonder he ever gets free to do any harm.

Born Again- When you pray a prayer and ask Jesus into your heart, and the evangelist declares you saved, much to his praise.

Total Depravity- Nobody's perfect.

Balanced Theology- Someone who hates Calvinism and is really an arminian at heart, but doesn't want to admit it.

Puritan Lad said...


How about...

Total Depravity - Everybody does it.

Bryan said...

Hahaha. These are great.

Bryan said...

"at hand"/"near" - when we use it, it means right around the corner, when John uses it, it means 2,000 years later

666 - whatever it is, it couldn't have been relevant to John's original audience

Puritan Lad said...


666 - Napoleon
I mean Stalin
uh Hitler
Price Phillip???
Henry Kissinger???
Ronald Reagan???
Bill Gates???
Bill Clinton???
George Bush, for now..

etc. etc.

Daniel Ritchie said...

Thanks for this post; really exposes the madness of the modern church.

Anonymous said...

The Bible - that book that I carry with me to church every week, and that I'm eventually going to get around to reading for myself, once I find the time.

David R. McCrory
The Reformed Puritan

Puritan Lad said...


I would say that probably half of Christians don't even carry a Bible to church, much less read it.

jdlongmire said...

What the heck is a "felt need"?

If it were spelt differently, I'd think it was some sort of specialty massage... :D

Great list!

Anonymous said...

Total Depravity - The result of believing in Calvinism.