Puritan Gems

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Modern Church Lexicon

I have been building this list slowly for a few weeks now. Feel free to add more...

Christmas – A holiday that is so important to families that, if it falls on Sunday, we should cancel church services.

Church – A community of people whose sole purpose to meet each others felt needs.

Communion – A meal that you can take by yourself that heals you.

Doctrine – An unimportant part of Christianity that should be avoided because it causes division and denominations.

Evangelism – Methods that are used to get people to an altar to repeat a prayer. Success depends on finding out what unchurched sinners really want in a church.

Faith – Something that man obtains by his own virtuous resources. If you have enough of it, you can make God do anything.

God – A powerful Being who loves everyone just the way they are, and has a wonderful plan for their life. He was mean and wrathful in the Old Testament, but got wiser and mellowed after His Son was killed.

Guilt – A harmful feeling that people need to overcome. The church should help.

Holy Spirit – Something that you should try to get after you get saved. Some denominations are totally filled with it, while others only have a little bit.

Jesus – A Divine person (or mode) that died in order to show us the way of salvation. Through his death, we can have better relationships, better sex, more money, and an all around better self image.

Legalism – Any Commandment in the Bible that we don’t want to obey.

Man – All important being who was created so that God would no longer be lonely.

Money – The root of all evil. Send it all to a televangelist before it destroys you.

Pharisees – Jesus chastised them because they obeyed the Law.

Prayer – Placing a demand on one’s heart so that God is obliged to meet it.

Preaching – An optional part of worship that sometimes gets in the way of what the Holy Spirit really wants to do.

Sin – A bad habit that is caused by past hurts, poor emotional health, and low self-esteem. Behavior modification methods and therapy can help.

Worship – Something we do in church that helps us draw close to God. Choose the style that best suits you.